I’ve been overwhelmed, agitated, moody and mean.
Everything has been “going wrong”. Or it seems that way. Possibly it’s my attitude? But no really, things just keep going WRONG. Wrong = not the way I wanted them to go. They’re breaking or dropping or spilling or not coming out clean. The dog poops on the carpet, babyMan dumps his bowl of mac and cheese on the carpet, the toaster oven won’t toast, darling Bear got the wrong thing at the store…Oh dear, and I FORGOT….I forgot that Thing and it’s super important and holy whoa, now all the laundry and dishes and everything else will fall behind because I have to be on the phone for the next five hours in panic mode…
It’s time for dinner and I don’t feel like cooking. I’ve yelled at my kids entirely too much today. I’m mad at myself for that and somehow, that just makes me yell more. I’m snapping. Snapping at my husband, snapping at the kids, snapping at the dog — whoa, did I just snap at God?? I think I did. :(
Night after night of struggling to sleep, struggling through anger, struggling through frustration, wrestling with anxiety, wrestling with control. Each night, hoping that the NEXT day will be The Beginning of Better…
Today, I woke up. The day was…a day. There was stress and anxiety. Errands to run and missions to accomplish. Discussions on Facebook adding to the steadily increasing sense of Being Overwhelmed. And then something broke. No, it popped.
A revelation in my brain: everything — all of this — can be traced back to my pride. My what? My pride? Really? My pride is that bad?
Like one of those do-it-yourself movie books, where you flip all the pages, my mind is flipping flipping flipping through all the Things and it links them all to one Thing, to pride…it happens lightning fast and That Feeling Of Being Overwhelmed spikes.
I have so far to go.
I’ll never get there.
This journey is so LONG…it’s BEEN long and it’s going to be LONGER…
I’m weary. I have nothing left. I’ve HAD nothing left, for days now. There was a bright spot the other night, while serving my church family but I have no doubt that was ALL Holy Spirit. I have no doubt because I spent the whole drive to church begging and begging, pleading with Him to work through me because
I had nothing.
I’m in the car and driving, tackling more tasks, eradicating more errands, watching the flip-movie in my mind. I cry out to God. My heart overflows into the confines of the van, a deluge of remorse, regret, repentance. And then…a song. A song plays on the radio and my focus shifts off of me and onto Him…His creativity. His awesome Mind in creating music, creating human beings, creating voices…beautiful voices, thousands of sounds, millions of melodies…even when they’re just singing about the rain in Africa, they are so beautiful. He is so beautiful in His creation, His people. This is what I had forgotten — enjoying Him. Not stressing out, not snapping, not being overwhelmed — being in awe of Almighty Creative God. This is where my joy is.
And the flood in my van from my overflowing, over-burdened heart turns into a flood of joy-filled tears. My God is so amazing. And so mighty. And He loves me! And there’s grace! And, and, and…
Suddenly, I realize the journey back wasn’t that long. “God!” I say out loud in my van. “You’re so quick to BE there! I take one step and wow….after these horrid, horrid days and my horrid attitude, I thought it would take at least as many days to retrace my steps and get back to where I’m supposed to be…but I’ve only taken one step and here I am, with You…”
A vision fills my mind, of the prodigal son trudging home. Such a long journey home…so far to go…the winding, dusty road stretches out ahead of him…
…but wait. His father…he’s running! To meet him! And just like that, the journey is over. The son is home, where he belongs.
I, too, thought I had this long, terrible trek ahead…by myself…long, winding, dusty…
But I take a step
with full awareness that there is nothing good in me
with full awareness that all the good is in Him and He is beautiful…
…and He doesn’t wait. He doesn’t watch.
He runs to meet me.
It’s so fast, that I’ve only realized it in retrospect; no time to have noticed it in The Happening, only time to realize that it happened.
My heart is brighter than the sun, with the revelation that He loves me enough to run. He wants me, enough to run.
I will be horrid again. My pride will rule again. But today my heart is shining.
He runs to meet me.
I will snap again. I will feel overwhelmed again. But I will turn, again…
And He will run…again.