I am broken. Always.

Broken Flame by Thien Bao

I remember attending a meeting at a church several years back and woman there making the comment, “We are all broken!” And in my heart, I rebelled against that statement. We are not broken, I thought. Jesus has healed us!  I was right in my thinking; but I found out this week that I was also wrong.

Jesus has healed us. But we are broken. Always. On this planet, in this flesh, we are broken.

It’s been a very long and difficult week. God, in His Sovereignty brought me face-to-face with the fact that being saved by His Son’s blood does not mean I can walk upright without falling. Yes, I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me, but do you know what I learned this week? There is always a little bit of something in me that is resistant to relying on Christ’s strength. Whether it’s a Rebellious Something, which wants to have its own way or a Proud Something, which wants to prove its ability or a Doubting Something, which thinks I’ve fallen on grace one too many times…

I am a broken gal this week. While I recognize (now) that I am forever in need of Christ’s rescuing from sin on this earth, the Proud Something in me is still kicking and screaming. But I WANT to be capable of pleasing You on my own! I can’t face You if I NEED You!!! It sounds silly to you, probably? It sounds silly to me. But so true, at the same time. I am not just painting a picture of a silly, rebellious child here; I am that child.

So why am I here today? What am I trying to say? This is definitely one of my lesser-prepared posts — okay, completely unprepared. A stream of consciousness, if you will.

I suppose I’m here today to let myself off the hook — and to let you off the hook too. I’m not perfect; I don’t have it all together; I love Jesus with all my heart but I still want to sin sometimes. A lot of the time. Several times a day, I want to sin. And I can not take ANY credit for the times I successfully resist sin, because even though I may be choosing to rely on Christ’s strength, I would FALL if He weren’t there. And I can claim no part whatsoever in ensuring that He is there for me; that is all Him.

So. Those of you who keep your distance because I paint too pretty a picture of myself, come closer. I am dirtier than you think, and quite possibly dirtier than you. If I have, in any way, led you to believe that there are trophies to achieve on this walk or leveling up to be done or successes to strive for, I apologize from the deepest depths of my heart. There is only one Trophy and that is Jesus. There is only one level you have to “pass” and that is embracing Him. There is only one success to be had, and it belongs to God. He successfully reconciled us to Him through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ.

If you don’t believe that I am all that dirty, I will humbly muddy up a private message for you. But it’s not about me, so be prepared for a diligent mopping up with the gospel of Jesus Christ and how He has forgiven me.

*sigh* I’m still sad, inside, at just how…incapable I am of doing the right thing every time. However, I’m also thankful and filled with peace. My Deliverer is coming, and until then, He is standing by. My Jesus is mine and I am His.

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4 thoughts on “I am broken. Always.

  1. Fae, this is lovely and I couldn’t agree more with you about all of this–that we’re always a little broken even as we’re healing. It’s a paradox. And yet, I’ve become thankful for the broken parts of me that make me need God to keep me from falling apart. The cracks are beautiful when I let them show the difference God makes. Thanks for this post this morning, straight from your heart, which I know is harder to do than it should be. Blessings on you today, Heather

  2. Thanks for your vulnerability, dear Fae, and if anyone tries to deny that they could have written this post, then they are only fooling themselves. And I’m always encouraged by the fact that even PAUL sometimes had trouble NOT being Paul himself but being Paul through Jesus……It’s not a pretty sight for us, but thankfully, Jesus cleans us right up so that the Father only sees the beauty. That made me cry as I was writing it. And I love Heather’s comment about being thankful for the broken parts & that the cracks are beautiful….that is such a powerful visual image…..

    • Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts with me, Chrystal! I enjoy reading them in your blog; it’s a double-enjoyment to read original ones “meant for me” on my own blog. ;)

      Yes, I have REALLY identified with Paul this week: the things I don’t want to do, I do and the things I want to do, I don’t do….what a reassurance his existence in Scripture is, hm??

      I am so thankful to be clothed in the beauty of Christ! Beautifully stated, Chrystal.

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